Sibling rivalry describes the inevitable battle that occurs between siblings. This kind of relationship happens most often in siblings close in age, but it can also occur when larger age gaps are present.

Your kids probably are not fighting just because one toy is better or one slice of pizza is bigger. One time pepperonis were counted in this house!! Instead, the majority of fights arise due to underlying causes related to family dynamics.

Differences in developmental stages and competing desires for attention can lead to moments of jealousy or misunderstanding. When your kids are young a lot of the causes of sibling rivalry are unfortunately unavoidable, like age difference or temperament. Which makes sibling rivalry, unfortunately, an inevitable reality. But if you make an intentional effort to foster cooperation, reduce favoritism and direct attention to the problems as they arise, you can help reduce the long-term effects of rivalry and hopefully have fewer occurrences.

10 Effective Strategies for sibling rivalry

1. Stay cool, calm, quiet and collected. Don’t join the chaos, don’t meet their volume. Bring the calm. Save your energy and protect your peace!

2. Create a cooperative environment. Avoid comparing your children, favoring one over the other, or encouraging competition between them. As a wise person once said Comparison is the thief of all joy! Well were they right? How would you feel if your parenting partner compared you to a younger or older model.  Instead, create opportunities for cooperation and compromise by empowering them to play together, mediating pay session where resources allow and the age gap demands it.

3. Be a good model. How parents interact with one another sets an example for how children should interact. If your children see that you or your parenting partner shout, scream, slam doors, sulk, use the silent treatment then they’re more likely to do the same and see it as appropriate conflict resolution.

4. Celebrate individuality

Children are less likely to fight if they feel you appreciate each of them as an individual. Start by avoiding labels and let each child know that they’re special to you by spending time with them individually. This means you should also avoid over-generalizing your child’s characteristics and personality traits. I have talked about this for many years in “Nurturing Resilience” Workshop. For example, saying one child is “the great hurler, the sporty one” and another is “the book-smart kid” can really box them and can even imply their value is dependent on performance in |”their” areas. Its also can not go hand in hand with a growth mindset. In these cases there would be no room for growth the runner can never become an academic over time or with practice and the bookworm just isn’t sporty. It is incredibly limiting for small people who don’t know who they are yet or who they will become.

5. Treat kids fairly, not equally

Fairness is fundamental, but fair doesn’t always mean equal. Punishments and rewards should be tailored to your children’s individual needs. For example, you don’t have to give two children the same toy, treat, one to one time. Instead, consider their individuality and how if one was sick you wouldn’t give both caplol, right? We can think like this and be confident in our parenting to be fair while doing things differently.

6. Fair Judge and Jury

Seldom will you witness all fights. Instead of playing the blame game, focus on each child’s role individual participation. Most likely everyone played a part!

7. Active Listening

During a fight, most children are frustrated and emotional. I am always harping on about validation and behaviour I know but with siblings it is crucial for them the child to feel understood  to feel heard! Although sometimes exhausting to listen to every he said she said moment of what can seem insignificant argument it can be impactful to give it the time and look interested and engaged!

8. Give children problem-solving tools

Make a plan what can you do differently next time? What does everyone need more help with?  Again its all part of a growth mindset to not see fights as fails but learning all necessary in order to avoid future disputes! use conflict as an opportunity to provide your children with tools for solving future problems. Demonstrate how they might compromise, share or approach a similar situation in a more positive, appropriate way next time.

9. Make discipline private

Sometimes a child might say to me “ well are not you going to deal with him” an d this example in my home is the perfect example to give any parent of how to develop trust and mutual respect. Have the confidence to these things at your own pace to slow it all down and ask them to trust your parenting. Yes I will, I will parent when I am ready and when he is ready and I will do a good job, you will have to trust that I’ve got this. Discipline does not have to be public to be effective, in fact it can often serve to just shame a child in front of their siblings, creating greater animosity between them.

10. Have a family meeting

Gather the family and talk to give everybody a chance to say what they want to say. It’s also an opportunity to establish house rules that family members can agree to follow. Wipe the slate clean approach is something I go through in detail with parents in my Empowering Parents Workshop, its ideal for effective long term sustainable change!

Hope you found this helpful Dee